Why am I talking about being gullible? Because some women get hurt repeatedly because of an inability to spot the wolves in sheep's clothing. I'd like to boost your defenses a bit.
To be less gullible, do the following:
- Trust your instincts more than your desires. Men who are up to no good will tune-in to whatever seems to make you giddy. If it is compliments you like, he will start to pour them on with increasing doses that seem to graduate quickly to more blatant levels of flattery. If it is mystery you like, he will drop hints that sound intriguing but never seem to reveal any true substance. The key is to take a moment to listen to your instincts. Taking your instincts seriously can clear your mind of the fog created by your own desire to believe you have found a real catch.
- Start to pull away to see what happens. Many women I have coached could have avoided abusive relationships right from the start if they had known this simple method. Don't go along with his every desire for one week and see what happens. Is he still Mr. Charming? A quality man will not express hurt with puppy eyes or violent anger. He will respond by giving you space and a few patient questions, without a lot of drama or pressure.
- Listen for secondary motives. Look at the tapestry of unfolding events with a guy who seems to be guiding the relationship forward at a rapid pace. See if there are any alternative explanations that could explain many of the unusual coincidences or pleasant outcomes you have experienced so far.
- Listen for self-praise. Quality men don't toot their own horn. They don't need to. Other people do it for them. Those who have learned to spot a gullible woman like to keep her isolated from anyone who knows them, while singing their own praises in subtle or not-so-subtle ways.
- Don't put yourself in vulnerable positions. Many of the most painful stories of hurt were relayed to me by women who were conned or used because they trusted a man with too much, too soon.
Some examples about vulnerable positions:
One
woman agreed to take up a new friend on a flight he got for them, and
asked no questions when he insisted on renting the car in his name, and
keeping the hotel they were staying at as a special surprise.Another woman went against her better judgment and let her friend stay at their apartment for, "a week or less...I promise"
Don't
let him push you into situations you would not have agreed to if he was
not standing there pressuring you. Make him earn your trust slowly
over time. Don't bend your principles.
The general principles are these: - Listen to your instincts and slow down or pull away if needed.
- Try pulling away just long enough to see what he is like when he is not getting his way.
- Take time to consider alternative explanations for situations that seem too good to be true.
- Be wary of men who have no social network to speak of, while telling you of his unverifiable virtues (like wealth or his single status).
- Take it slow and don't put yourself in vulnerable positions until you truly know a guy because of having spent a lot of time with him over a long period of time.
James
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